A few days ago was my wedding anniversary, this has to be the fastest one year I have experienced, like where did the time go?
There are many lessons to learn in marriage, like it’s said, marriage is a school one never graduates from. A lot would have been said during pre-marital counselling sessions and older friends and family would have chipped in admonitions such as ‘put God first’, ‘always pray together’, ‘do not allow any third party’, ‘do not go to bed angry at each other’.
All the above are very important and fundamental but I’ll like to share a few things that are not usually dwelt upon, not because they are not worth mentioning but they merely scratch the surface or hang it on God to fix. I also think a lot of these points come to ones realization from experience.
I’ve heard a lot of people say that the first year of marriage is usually the hardest and most challenging, this probably goes without saying since you are two people from different backgrounds getting to live together, but sincerely this first year for me has been bliss, not because my husband is perfect (lmao very far from it) but I can say most of it has been because I understood the points mentioned below.
1. DO NOT TRY TO CHANGE YOUR SPOUSE- I want to imagine that you would have considered everything involved while in your dating or courting relationship. If you have accepted to be with him/her then you must accept everything that comes with the package and embrace it fully. The moment you decided, this is who I want to be with for the rest of my life, you have said I’m taking the good, the bad and the ugly, the entire package so don’t try to change anything.
This is not to say you must marry a perfect person because unfortunately they do not exist, if there be anything you do not appreciate or think could be better about them, then you correct in love, you can encourage them to see a different perspective but you must also be very patient to see any reasonable change. If it is something you cannot live with then maybe you didn’t carefully consider your decision to marry that person.
I always say the best thing you can do for your spouse or anyone is to allow them be themselves. If your spouse has to be careful around you or put up a front to satisfy you or make you happy, life will be forever frustrating for them and you eventually. Once you’ve made your decision, embrace everything that comes with it, you cannot change anyone only God can.
2. AS MARRIED AS YOU ARE YOU ARE STILL A SINGLE HUMAN BEING- I learned from past relationships (that’s why I’m grateful for the relationships that didn’t work out, I learned a ton) that even though two becomes one you are still a singular human being and so is your spouse. They will go out without you, they will buy stuff for themselves and not get for you, they will spend their money, they will do things for themselves sometimes as if you were not there, my dear it’s normal. I’ve seen people that get upset because their spouse went for lunch with their friends and didn’t invite them and it then becomes a big issue, their home is filled with nagging and complaining because they don’t understand that this person has their life to live and enjoy.
As long as there is a balance and you don’t feel left out of their life all the time, please allow your spouse live, they have their life as much as you do. Get busy, get a life, stop being too clingy or needy, you will be less disappointed and feel like you also own your own.
3. BRING DOWN THE LEVEL OF EXPECTATION- You did not marry Jesus, please don’t expect a perfect human being that will have it a figured out. You will be figuring a lot of things out together as you grow. Please limit the use of ‘I expect that you…’, if what you expect isn’t being done or wasn’t done, ask about it politely and not stating your expectations like you were in a board meeting with your subordinates. Sometimes when I say I don’t expect anything from anyone people find it weird, as long as it is not a contract or business agreement, anything discretionary is dependent on so many circumstances you most often cannot control. So please save yourself of headaches and heart aches and bring down the level of expectations you set.
4. DO NOT REACT TO EVERYTHING- The difference between a reactive person and a proactive person is that they allow circumstances and conditions control them or determine their response while a proactive person is change-oriented and uses self-initiated strategies. You don’t always have to respond immediately, you don’t even have to response at all if it is not necessary. If you always want to have a response, little things may become big things, in fact nothing might become something just because you reacted instead to thinking and deciding whether or not to respond and even how to respond. I say to my husband sometimes and this goes for everyone sincerely, ‘you can never offend me, or make me sad’. Doesn’t mean I don’t get offended but I determine what to be offended at, I won’t let whatever you do determine my disposition and in turn my reaction. I control my emotions, they don’t control me so I’m mostly on the offensive not the defensive. I can tell you a lot of things that could have caused family meetings but they never even materialize to anything because I didn’t let my emotions get the best of me.
People usually refer to the 15mins rule, ask yourself when you are about to respond or get upset, ‘in 15mins will this even matter’? In the heat of an argument or a confrontation I’m not sure how many people will be thinking about the 15mins rule, but once you have mastered the act of being in control, you will always be in control.
5. PROTECT YOUR PEACE AND THAT OF YOUR SPOUSE- There will be one million things to stress you and you can very easily transfer that stress to your spouse which could very well be transferred to become the aura around your home. Sadly family and friends could very well be the initiators of this, but decide what you deliberate upon and allow to be the center of discussion in your home. I once entered a home in California, Mrs. Jackson’s home and as I type I still remember the feeling of peace and tranquility I felt. It was like someone poured cold water on my head, it had nothing to do with the temperature of the house it was just the atmosphere Mrs. Jackson allowed in her home, apart from the fact that the house was speak and span I later realized that every morning she had a worship session in her room and she told me I determine what energy I allow into my space. I try by all means to be conscious of that in my own home.
6. THERE IS NO NEED FOR ASSUMPTIONS- I read a friends post on Instagram where she highlighted the importance of not only being open but sincere in your communication without assumptions. It goes without saying that communication is one of the bedrocks of a successful marriage but not just communication, it also matters how you communicate. Ask for what you want, to assume that your spouse would know if you never mentioned it is put an unfair expectation on them.
I always tell people that my husband can never forget my birthday or any important date even if he tried because I would have been singing it all over the place days before, there’s absolutely no need to test anyone because with all the many things to think about they could actually genuinely forget, then you will be sad and upset the whole time thinking my spouse doesn’t care, then it will be another episode of apologies when you are supposed to be celebrating. When we have something to celebrate I remind him not to forget my gift, sometimes I ask if he needs suggestions or if he wants to surprise me and of course I also get his gift ready in the case of an exchange.
In the IG post I talked about, the lady mentioned how she had told her husband she wanted flowers for Christmas and he got them and she was happy, just imagine she sat there hoping that he will somehow read her mind and surprise her, she may have been disappointed. So assumptions are unnecessary, communicate clearly it cost you nothing and gives everyone peace.
These are a few points I think are worth mentioning and putting to practice, I know they would be very useful to one or two persons out there. Thank you for visiting my blog after my leave of absence, I look forward to sharing more leanings, stories and recipes with you.
Peace!!!
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